stockpiler

I have to wonder what is holding me back.  I hate being fat!  But do I hate it enough to do something about it?  I wonder.  Is it my yoyo-ing history?  I do know one thing…..I don’t like dieting and I know I will not spend the rest of my life doing it.  In the perfect world…I could give up the goodies long enough to lose the weight…and then start right back eating them again…..deep down…I know that is what I want…and deep down I know that is what I will do.  Been there…done that…a few times before.  A life lived counting calories and eating green things….(and not green popsicles)…is not what I have in mind. 

     Maybe I have elevated eating, cooking and grocery shopping to a state where they are my most favorite passtime.  YUP>>>THATS IT!  That’s my hobby!  Maybe I need to find a new hobby….I’ve tried dieting as my new hobby and I lost interest …that can’t be it!  I need a new hobby that is not conducive to eating in any way shape or form.  Exercise will never make the new hobby cut…I seriously dislike that…and asthma doesn’t help there.  Maybe I need to throw myself into reorganizing the house.  That would work really well in a couple of areas.  When I get into organizing…I actually forget to eat…that could work.  And the house would benefit as well.  Can I turn this need to lose weight into a house redo,  and get a positive result in both directions?  I’ve read the book about body clutter as it associates to household clutter and it makes sense.  I’ve read parts of Dr. Phils book ( but could never really get interested in it)…but I have heard him say that you need to replace an old habit with a new habit.  I have read lots and lots of diet books…and I will say that I have picked up tidbits of info from most all of them…but never have I seen a book that really took over and changed the way I looked at dieting……I mean…If I had been addicted to carrot strips I would never have gained weight in the first place…..Little Debbie and Nabisco and I are tight…And I mean TIGHT buddies!!  I have never seen a gumdrop that I didn’t love…I have never eaten a bad cracker………and bread…UGH…what doesn’t taste good with bread!  YUP…I’m a carb addict to boot!  This isn’t pretty!  I like chicken and fish…..and the Michael Thurmond 6 week body makeover made me hate them…….6 times a day for chicken was a bit much with the odd egg white ( gag)…I began to dread “feeding” time.  The weight fell off….but I was miserable…….and grumpy…and constipated ( can I say that?)….and what a drain on the kidneys all of that protein is……..but it worked. 

So…The way I see it is……I can stay fat…feel crummy…look crummy and eat what I want…and probably die young….( most likely while at the table indulging in dessert)……or…I can make food something that I just don’t think much about because I have found a new hobby….( and get a newly organized and updated home). 

Can I drop the old buddy food?  Can I find new enjoyment in the house?  Can I look at food as fuel and only fuel so that I can keep redecorating?  I’m going to stretch here and say that it is possible.  It’s winter here now…( well it’s fall but we have snow…so)…and I’m stuck inside for a few months…..( I do have other things going on in my life too but for this moment…I’m just referring to home and food).  So…….Today…instead of dieting or not….rebelling against dieting…and thinking about dieting..and putting dieting off until tomorrow…and reading dieting books and listening to dieting tapes and CD’s…instead of counting calories…counting points…counting 6 meals a  day of protein…and counting bottles of water….I’m just going to go off and get out the cleaning supplies…the vacuum…and the boxes and bins…and I am going to immerse myself in organizing and scrubbing .  After all….Mr. Clean and cookies never did go very well together.

We had planned to seel the house….but with the economy…that has been tabled for awhile…but I can make it a little more Linda friendly.  I will get some organizing done that is just for my own benefit….a reading corner…and spa area…an exercise room that is a little more people friendly…and well lit.  I will fix the place up so that it is more inviting for me…and a little less ( up for sale looking)…since we will be here a bit longer.  The stark look is easy on the eyes…but it is not necessary people friendly…and looks rather cold.  I will personalize things again and make them more fun.  Maybe even the basement ping pong table can be put back in use.  The movement there can’t hurt. 

So….It’s set……no calorie counting……just lots of activity that keeps me away from food.

I got up this morning ready to roll.  I’m in it to win it this time.  The plan is to eat and write….move and write…..use what is here and stay out of the grocery store and to stick with it even when times get tough.  There is a part of me that apparently is perfectionistic…….that makes me laugh because what perfectionist would be overweight with closets crammed with expiring food?  There is nothing perfect about any of that…yet…..from what I’m reading…perfectionists often do start something…and stop when they make a mistake…or an ON PURPOSE because the plan was no  longer perfect…THATS ME!!!!!!!  I’m an imperfect perfectionist that stops and starts.  In the past…my journals had to be neat and clean……the foods needed to be balanced and diet like……1 cookie eaten without even thinking was enough to ruin the perfect journal…and oops…….gotta start over again next week…right after I polish off the rest of these cookies and go buy a cake. 

So I have decided that perfection has a new face……..perfection now is not about what I eat…..it’as not about how neat the journal looks…it’s about not stopping…perfection for me has a new definition…….NOT QUITTING!!!!  What a novel idea……..I have never looked at it that way….and I can see where it will work.  There are no bad foods…only bad quantities…………..there is room for everything in my daily consumption if I allow for the calories.  I remember my Weight watcher days……I would do anyhting to make the scales drop on weigh in day…..I weighed my clothes….I wore shorts with a jacket no matter how cold I got…….the scales had to drop every week or I was not perfect………..when in fact…no matter what I will ever do…will never be perfect….whew……..that’s tough one to say….now obviously…I am well aware of the fact that I am so far from perfect it’s not even funny…….I guess what I have always aimed for was acting perfect…….or doing my best to not make mistakes…..I know perfection is impossible to achieve….but I’m a virgo…and the daughter of 2 lifelong perfectionists who taught me early.  So…..I will allow a messy journal…I will allow non diet foods…..I will not allow myself to quit….I will use that inborn perfectionistic mentality to drive to to my goal…..and actually make it work for me this time.

Procrastination…should be my middle name.  I always plan to start over tomorrow…or next Monday…or whenever the cake is gone!  Sometimes I wish I had a boss there waiting for this project to be finished.  I wish there was a deadline!  Kind of a date…where it says….I will die of obesity on such and such a date…if I am still obese on that date.  Well…now that sure sounds morbid…But yet if I’m not waiting for something concrete…then when will I actually get this job done???  If I make up the date…I always change it.   I am such a procrastinator!!!!!  I don’t break promises to other people…if I say I will be there…then I’m there………..yet I break promises to myself all the time.  This is looking like an inside job to me….everyone else means alot…I mean a lot less.  It apparently boils down to a self esteem problem.  One of my most favorite things to do is grocery shop…wouldn’t you know!!  I need a new hobby…maybe EXERCISE would be a good one!  I have a house full of food……I don’t need anymore……so I’m going out on a limb here…and I’m publically saying that I will stay out of the grocery store….I need to use up what I already have…..starting tomorrow…I will be blogging my daily intake of food…and how much I have exercised……….I didn’t count or record today…so i won’t even go there…but tomorrow I will definately weigh…measure…record…and count…I really need to become accountable….so you guys will be my boss…I seriously do not want the obesity fairy to come and take me away.   Linda

I guess I can understand why there are so many books, magazines, tv programs etc…about losing weight…not to mention all of the diet programs and pills.  It’s a ripe topic to make money on right now.  We are blessed and cursed with grocery stores that are 10 times the size of the grocery stores we had when I was a kid.  I remember when TV dinners were invented….little tin trays…with sectioned off areas for meat, potatoes and vegetables……we had a couple of choices then…I remeber the beef and mashed potato options was the favorite in our house…what a wonderful day…when for the first time ever…we had these cute little meals…right in front tof the TV…which for our house..was absolutely forbidden in the past. We had previously only eaten at the kitchen table….BUT>>>these were TV dinners after all!!!!…. So off we went to enjoy them in front of the tv…which was a sight in it’s self!!  A BIG blonde wooden cabinet…with a small screen…..but oh how we loved it…we watched Ed Sullivan…and the Lone Ranger…and The Mickey Mouse Club…and Dinah Shore.  But I digress………Food as I had known it…was home made…from fresh produce and fresh meat…..and the store was small..so creativity did not start in the store…it started at home beforehand…with the cook books.  Life changed after that…of course we still had the wonderful homemade meals…but we also became somewhat blinded by the really NEAT…TV dinners………..of course today…the “TV” dinner area is bigger than the fresh meat department…..the stores have grown…to accomodate all of the packages of prepared foods…..and I have fallen victim to just about all of them….my kitchen will prove that.  But…..Today is a new day…and I had an enlightening experience yesterday……….I found a new store….it is chock full of fresh produce ( and it’s gorgeous)…….and the meat isn’t prepackaged……..you pick what you want like an old fashioned meat market…………the aisles…..have just enough to keep me interested…but not too much that I will get in trouble…….I think this will be my new grocery store……….I came out with fresh produce, fresh meat…crusty bread….and fresh flowers……….I think I have seen the light….not to mention the fact that today is my 59th birthday……..I’m giving myself the next year to get my weight on track…..and I will print everything I eat here!  ( I also still have a ton of food stored..which HAS to be eaten up…and I will also keep working on that simultaneously)……..But finding a store with little prepackaged food………looks like heaven to me….I think I can do this….Linda who’s weight this morning was 235.8

Well….The last 2 weeks have been quite different around here……we are getting our house ready to list……..so we had new carpet installed…and while the carpet layers were here….our pump quit….so…we had a new well drilled……….I’m not sure exactly how….but in the process…my husband and I started taking daytime naps…..( escape?????  maybe…..exaustion…probably!)…..and what resulted was that now not only he  and I…but the dog…have all gotten our days and nights mixed up……we lay awake all night…and nap all day…( sounds like a new baby eh?)…..well….2 really big babies…and an animal!   LOL…….anyway…..after spending the last few nights making numerous trips to the bathroom…….checking windows…doors….and trips to the kitchen for water….and even tylenol…..we are throughly disgusted with ourselves…so today…no naps for me…..I’m straightening this out once and for all…I don’t care if I fall asleep on my feet…I have to get back on track…in many ways…..so today…….I get back to work on the house…..no laying down…..and I fully expect to be ready to sleep tonight…….I also admit…since all of this started a few days ago…I haven’t been anywhere near the scale…nor have I looked up any calorie facts on the food I’ve eaten……..we have just been wasting our days…and paying for it all night…………..It’s been hot here…and I’m retaining water on top of it all….rings are tight…..and ankles and feet are swollen……anyway…enough of the whining……..I’m back on track……and ready to rock……..!

Gotta love that first week!  It comes off even when it doesn’t always make sense.  We went to a family picnic yesterday…and I enjoyed myself…I cannot deny that…and I even ate all of the wrong things when we got home…and I still lost…..the first week is like that sometimes.  I’m convinced it must have been water…that is usually what comes off first….but it gives such a positive outlook for coming weeks..that will be much more difficult I know.  I got up this morning ready to get some work done outside ( and move around a bit)…and realized that it was raining.  Now that kinda messes things up for me.  I had plans…but then again…plans are meant to be broken.  I think this is just about the weirdest year I have ever seen here in michigan…we had record snowfall all winter……a cold and wet spring that has turned into a cool and wet summer….and there seems to be no changes in sight….I’m not complaining…I really do not like the the dry desperate heat of past summers….sticking to things has never been my favorite thing to do….but it really doesn’t feel like summer here.  Anyway………..Today….and days in the near future will be spent mostly at home……and I will be able to better count calories….I’m looking forward to that…..I really do believe that I can do this…this time…Thank to everyone that has supported me over the last few days….you really are a great supportive bunch…and I so appreciate your comments

Food Log

Today we head to the old stomping grounds ( south about 45 minutes)…..for a family get together ( Husbands family).  I know there will be plenty of food…there always is.  And doesn’t everyone elses food taste great!  Or is it me?  This morning I’m making a pasta and fresh veggie salad to take…and I plan to drink water…..but I have no clue as to the rest of the menu…although it always promises to be delish.  As you can see by my blog…..I’m basically giving no food up…..I’m just learning to eat smaller portions of everything.  In the past…giving up any food at all meant white knuckling the desire for the tempting treat for several days…and then a big…hurrah of a binge and then the end of the weight loss diet.  I’m past that….I will never be the perfect eater….I love my junk foods…I love my favorites to the point that I will always eat them….for me…it’s just learning to eat less of them.  One thing I did learn in Weight Watchers in the past was that it really is the first bite that is so tasty…after that….it’s all about just shoveling it in, and by that time…the real fun is gone.  Soooo……….I’m all about learning to enjoy smaller portions.  Yesterday…some would say that I didn’t lower my intake because it was over 2,000 calories…actually…I did lower…and I really didn’t feel it….I’m being a bit more accepting of myself these days…and I’m refusing to just crash…I know where that road has always led me…..I’m also calling what I’m doing a DIET!  I know to some…that is a bad word…when the way I’m looking at is that what everyone…dieting or not eats is their diet…some eat a vegan diet….some are on a weight loss diet…babies are on a baby diet of pureed foods…..I’ve decided to call what I’m doing now my diet…because it is what I’m eating…my way.  It just so also happens to be what I like…the way I like it….only less quantity.  I never have fit into any molds very well….I’m a free spirit…and have always been one..I have never cared how others felt about my hair or clothes…..If they don’t like it…they can look the other way…….I dress like me…I wear my hair like myself……I’m nobodys carbon copy…and I never will be….so I’m on my own diet.  It will include high calorie foods….just less of them…and lesser quantities….that is a way for me to live for the rest of my life.  I could never cut out carbs for life…..I would be low carb for awhile…and then fall off the truck into a vat of carbs…I know me….I am what I am……and I would never be able to like myself again…( carb free…or after the carb binge)…tada….the instant end to that weight loss segment of my life.  I have spent the last several years thinking about losing weight daily…..reading untold numbers of weight loss books….watching untold numbers of weight loss programs….all of them suggest that I must totally change what I’m eating…..eat fresh veggies ( I do)…eat fresh fruit ( I do)….take diet pills…( I refuse to)…..eat mainly protein and little carbs…( that makes me cranky)……count points….( been there done that, it’s okay but if I fell off the wagon I stayed off the wagon for months)……in every weight loss plan I have ever been on…or read about…there were rules…and for me…who fully intends to do it perfectly…there is the eventual mistake in counting…or the eating over points because I had a bad day…or ( insert any excuse here)…and the weight loss plan was over…kaput!  Which is generally followed by a period of..”I might as well eat it…I can’t stick to a weight loss plan”.  So……I’m just doing it in a way that refuses to allow me to fail…I’m eating it all…..just less……I’m now eating consciously….I’m learning to leave food on my plate….( what a concept)…I’m setting the table with fancier dishes…and flowers…..and with less food in general.  It’s working……I know I won’t lose fast…( thats a sure thing anyway because I have a low thyroid…which guarantees that)….but I will lose…and in the process….I will lose happy.  This is a way for me to eat for the rest of my life…and I’m looking forward to the day when all food in the house is used up…and I can shop daily for the things needed for that day only….That will lower the quantities around here…and we will also eat what sounds good to us each day…instead of eating something just because it is on hand.   Something tells me that my plan would not be one that would sell books…….lets see…page one…eat less….page two…move around more…end of book……funny…I believe that this is the plan I heard my Grandparents talking about when I was a child. 

Food Log

Well………My first true counting/weighing day has begun.  I have to say that I’m excited to get serious about this again.  As a true yoyo-er…I have begun many times…but somehow this time feels different.  My beginning weight  today is only 1 pound under my highest weight ever…so this is not a moment too soon.  I lost weight previously,…( about 6 or 7 years ago…it was the online support from a group of fellow Weight Watchers)…I need that pressure of other people keeping tabs on me….( not to say I don’t have a few relatives who are doing that unasked LOL)…..They are worried about my health and I guess they have a valid reason.  I do have asthma and hashimotos thyroiditis…and both are affected by my weight.  I have clothes in every size from small to women’s 22.  I’m truly looking forward to passing those bigger sizes on to a charity as I lose…..I do not plan to keep them just in case….I am promising myself this time that there will not be any “in cases” .  Out they go…and I will not buy bigger sizes again…I will scrunch into my tight clothes if necessary…but I will not buy bigger sizes…that is just waaay too accomodating of weight gain…I have learned my lesson well there.  I own a closet jam packed with the forgiving kinds of clothes that let me eat without loosening my belt…..stretch waist bands…and knit tops are just not the fat persons friend.  They let me eat with abandon and pay no price for the indisgression, so as the weight comes off….out they go…never to be replaced again……when I reach goal….I will be wearing slacks and jeans with zippers and buttons and belts, OH MY!  I am so looking forward to those days again.  Sweat pants are a staple for me….aren’t they lovely????  They come in such a wide range of colors….UGH!  They especially…will not be missed!  Even my jeans are stretch….I have definately NOT been my own best friend!  But now…I will be cracking the whip on my own behaviors…no more letting myself get away with unhealthy fat any longer. 

Food Log

Exercise Log

Where do I begin?  I guess I should start at the beginning.  Back 9 years ago…..I began to stockpile food.  Y2K was looming in the near distance…and I started preparing…mainly…by shopping for food.  As it turned out…I amassed enough to feed the neighborhood and the army.  It was fun…I had a great time…..of course when the fateful midnight ball dropped in Times Square…..nothing really happened…( of course nothing other than a new year starting)…where was the collapse of all life as we knew it????  It didn’t happen……then of course 9/11 happened and we all became aware of preparing for potential disaster.  Then the multi state electrical grid failure and we were without electricity for several days……all of these things encouraged me to continue to stockpile…..not only food but some other things too.  Living out in the country does mean regular electrical outages during storms…or even a brisk wind…..we have even lost power for no apparent reason at all.  One thing is for sure….we always had food…even if it was from a can or box….and I will admit…having things on hand has been frequently handy.  All my husband has to say is…do we have…..( insert name of just about anything here)…and I can almost always reply that we do have it….now finding it is another thing all together…LOL.   Of course having a lot of food around is usually not a good thing for weight loss, and because I am a total yoyo-er ( is that a word?)…it’s especially bad.  I have lost over 55 pounds before on Weight Watchers…but unfortuanately I found them again.  As a teenager I just decided to lose weight…and I did…actually I didn’t really need to lose…but try telling that to a 130 pound 15 year old.  Anyway…….I now have approximately 100 pounds to lose…and I have a house full of convenience foods that need to be used up.  They take up a lot of space, they are getting old and past their dates….and I’m not going to throw them out…( did that before and it didn’t help…I just replaced them).  So….Along with some added perishables …I will be losing weight over the next year or 2 with the stored foods.  Our house is way too big for us now since the kids and foster kids have all grown up…..and it’s time for us to downsize……..so I will be working on losing weight…and losing stuff at the same time.  Tomorrow morning is D Day (D for DIET)….I will start with a weigh in…and then I will be sending my daily food and calorie lists.  I will also be exercising…and just generally moving around more than I have been.  My intended goal is 130…but around 150 ( where my husband likes me to be)…I will be assessing and reassessing at that time.  So I may not actually be losing 100 after all…it all remains to be seen.